The self-doubt and eternal questioning raged on. I schedule a session with a fellow student for me to be coached. We had connected under the agreement that we take turns ‘practicing’ with each other, one week she coached, the next week I coach. This is standard practice and gives us the benefit of practicing with someone who is in the same boat and also the experience to be on the receiving end of the coaching techniques we are learning.
However, I have taken my doubt to the next level and now nothing is safe. The course, the techniques, coaching itself; my questioning becomes so intense that I start to believe my questions are more profound than any answers the course can give me (this is the extent of my avoidance to face myself!).
So I took the doubt and I transformed into arrogance. I’m now believing that I don’t need to be coached. That I know it all already and what could anyone else really help me with.
But I wanted to honor the agreement with my fellow student. So I come to the session, out of a sense of duty, thinking that by simply being there at the correct time, with something in my life to talk about, was honoring the agreement. It wasn’t.
With that attitude I was not an ideal coaching candidate! I was not open or receptive to change, or suggestion, or even to deeper insight from myself. I was not willing to allow another possibility to show up. How could it since I knew it all?! I was mistakenly believing that I was stronger by not needing coaching or that I had nothing to learn. Of course it was all a mask, but one I thought was necessary and one I thought was the solution to my self-doubt.
Thankfully, before my arrogance had fully set in, I HAD learned something! The previous week when I was in the coach position, my fellow student had shown up, open and ready to be real and vulnerable and the result was a brilliant session for not only her but for me as a coach also.
And here we were now, in stark contrast to that, with my unwillingness to be real hanging silently in the air.
I can be stubborn and proud and for that session I was. But despite that, it was the session I needed.
It exposed me to myself for what was really going on, this deeply held belief that I had to be strong and appear strong at all costs. I realised that my inability to be vulnerable, and willing to learn was the true problem and that I was using the doubt as an excuse. An excuse to believe that I had to look like I knew it all, that I had to look in control, and that being strong was how to overcome. I was holding myself to an invisible standard of what it all even meant, it was exhausting!
My relentless questioning had finally paid off, the inside job was solved. It was time to simply be real and authentic and allow my vulnerable heart to be free. To honor myself at each step for who I am now and not for who I think I should be or could be. And in the acceptance of the vulnerability of being ME as I am NOW, I ultimately let go of the doubt. What a relief!! Now I am ready to allow myself the space and time to learn, and experience becoming a great coach.