No not that kind of dirty! But dirty because it’s something I’ve put my head in the sand over for well, too many years. I’m not gonna say how many, that would just be embarrassing. But yes, it’s too many.
Especially considering how long I’ve been on ‘the path’ or whatever one calls it, this secret is silliness, pure silliness that I haven’t addressed it properly before now.
I mean I know all this stuff, intellectually I know and have known for quite some time.
But in that statement lies the difference between transformation and the same pattern with a different name. We can intellectually know. We can know till the cows come home, but until we start to embody, become, live & experience the knowing…. It’s just something are brains have learned and know.
Just like we know all the things that are ‘good’ for us and yet we don’t do them, or we do the opposite. Knowing intellectually is a start, of course it is but change and transformation require more than that.
Which brings me back to my secret and part of the reason it’s still around and only now revealing its true depths. All these years I wanted it to change, but I wasn’t willing to do what was asked of me to change it. In fact I just the other day saw an historical post where I asked for ‘instantaneous healing’. Jokingly, but not really. I wanted it to change over-night. And I didn’t want to do anything for that to happen. I wanted it to vibrationally disappear and on some level I told myself that would happen if I just ignored it. So I did.
For almost a decade I’ve ignored chronic back pain.
Disturb your sleep, sporadically render you immobile, wake you in the morning, restrict your movement and slowly wear you down back pain.
You can ignore that if your stubborn enough! Somehow, somehow you can ignore it until you really can’t anymore. And that happened in recent months.
It wore me down until eventually I submitted to it and realized I ‘had a problem’ I needed to face. You know, an un-healthy addiction I was re-fusing to face. Interesting, isn’t it that I would describe it as an addition? Not the pain, I’m not addicted to the pain (or am I?!) no, I mean the addiction to ignoring. The addiction to wanting the ‘universe’ or some such BS to do it for me, the addition to not being willing to be fully involved in the creation of my experience. Just part-way involved, and only when it suited me. And it didn’t suit me to have to re-hab my back.
I used to be a Gymnast you know! I don’t have to do this, why should I? It just happened and I don’t know why, it will just go away when I vibrate out of it…..
Um no. That’s not taking full ownership for being the creator of one’s experience is it?
And you know what I think (today at least) is the biggest thing one needs as a conscious creator?
Compassion. Deep compassionate acceptance for the full spectrum of human experience. That compassion begins within us. When we truly allow compassion for ourselves then we can freely give it to others. But we can only allow compassion for ourselves if we are allowing ourselves to actually have those experiences that call it forth. If we spend years denying or ignoring those experiences then we are restricting ourselves the opportunity to experience the gift of compassion that IS inherent in the universe. Ironically the universe doesn’t want to give you everything you think you want, it wants to give you exactly what you need in each and every moment. And if what you need is compassion, then you will receive it. But you can’t receive something you are busy trying hard to ignore the fact that you could use it!
Last night, as I again struggled to sleep and tears kept wanting to come despite the fact there were none left, I felt my higher self energies simply being with me.
And I was asked if I could allow myself to receive the amulet of compassion.
I surrendered into receiving that amulet. It came to me as a symbol and an energetic frequency and I knew that all these years I’d been ignoring my body I’d been dis-allowing myself to receive the compassion of my soul.
I couldn’t allow myself to receive it until I’d worn myself down and accepted what was going on. And believe me, this has worn me down. I’ve cried more in the last few weeks than I have in years. There is more. I know there is, I can feel it bubbling up waiting for compassion, waiting for the fullness of that compassion to seep into every cell, every restricted, ignored cell of my body.
So that is now my ‘work’ or what I prefer to call my beautiful opportunity to receive compassion and support. Support being the main meta-physical ‘block’ that contributes to back pain…. Unsurprising really!
I asked for a year of transformation, and I know it will be that in many ways. But this is the first, and possibly most significant.
Because I haven’t really been in my body. You know what I mean?
I’ve been up in my head, I’ve been learning, I’ve been understanding. Then I’ve been heart opening and consciously expanding. Now, now it’s time for landing, grounding, embodying. Being here on earth and bringing all the light and magic here and now.
Just by being me.
Want to know the thing about being you?
You have to know who you are.
Not who you think you are. Not your hobby, or your profession or your character traits.
Who you are is the compassion, light and unconditional love of your soul.
And when you can be that for yourself in your every hour of need, you realise that someone does always have your back. That someone is you – your higher-self, source team, universal guidance.
With YOU at your back you every step forward becomes, easier, freer and more joyful as you accept the support of the universe and gladly shine your light boldly.
You realise, thankfully, you had so many opportunities that called forth even greater asking of support. So many opportunities that you wore down until you received it.
PS>> What in your life is the opportunity to receive compassion that, in your misguided attempt to ‘create what you want’, you are refusing to ask for?