I’ve had this piece to write for some weeks now. Sitting under the surface, waiting for me to find words to put to what this experience is like…. But words often fall short. None the less, here it is…
I love to dance. Wild & free, wacky & wonderful dancing is a crazy liberating, life affirming, freedom claiming experience to BE ME. That’s what it is, and when I go for a dance, nothing less will suffice.
Usually that means and looks like, well, exactly that – wild, wacky, freedom! And that is what I have come to quietly expect from my dancing. A peak of joyous freedom where all reasoning & care falls away into the chaotic crest of loosing oneself in a movement of exploration of form. AKA – wild & free expression through dance!
However, just as we get too comfortable in our expectations, life does what it does best and asks, or sometimes demands that we adjust them.
So it was the last time my feet hit the dance floor. Ready for ecstatic vibes & wild & big expansive moves. Instead my body called me into a much different experience. Though none the less wild & free in its expression.
You see I’ve been quietly avoiding dealing with chronic back pain for a long time. As you may well know from your own life, there is only so long you can avoid dealing with something, until it smacks you upside the head and demands you pay attention to it.
Consider myself smacked. Smacked pretty hard in the last few months actually, as my body, instead of opening and joining me in the most recent expansive revelations of consciousness… decided to go the other way completely and shut down and get worse and wear me down to the point of exhaustion and tears.
This, what I’ve recently discovered is what can happen when your consciousness expands in a really short time-frame. Your body takes a while to catch up. Well, I digress… that’s an aside to the real point.
So, I took myself and my eagerness to dance on the dancefloor and…. SMACK! I was rendered pretty immobile. Commanded and asked to stay in one place, one small box of movement and simply BE with my body exactly where it was at. Which was tired, broken, neglected & in pain. I stayed, I stood, I swayed, I surrendered to what my body needed and suspended what I thought I wanted from my dancing.
And my body needed my tears. Lots of them, as I moved, swayed and danced a very confined and small dance.
Ah, there had been so much confusion between us. Me & my body. So much miss-communication, impatience and intolerance. I wanted my body to do what I wanted it to do, but I didn’t want to do what IT wanted me to do.
So, it smacked me.
It was quietly smacking me for many years actually, I was just ignoring it, based on misguided but well-meaning spiritual teachings. I’ve had a lot of miss-interpretation along the way! Thankfully of course, nothing like following miss-interpreted teachings or misguided teachings as a sure way to lead you to your own inherent discernment within – eventually!
Well on that night, on the dance floor I finally submitted to listening and being with my body without asking anything different of it. I quietly danced the night away through tears & pain.
And once I surrendered to it, it was exactly what I expect from my dancing. Wild & free, wacky & wonderful… it just didn’t look like what it usually looked like. But it was as life affirming and freedom claiming as always. Perhaps even more so. Because in the surrender to what was being asked of me, I allowed through some deeper realisations about the nature of my relationship with my body.
You see, I haven’t really wanted to be here. On earth that is. I mean obviously I do, because, well, I’m here! But it’s sort of like I said, ‘yeah – I want to go back there!’ and then I got here and went ‘oh shit – I forgot how much I’d forget – do I really have to be here again?!’
You know what I mean right?!
So I’ve never fully come into my body. I’ve inhabited mainly my upper body for most of my adult life. In recent years, I allowed my heart to open and I descended into my heart space. Which was a journey to say the least. And I naively thought that was it.
But my back was clearly indicating no, not done yet!
I just couldn’t hear it due to the naivety & aforemention avoidance as a way of solving!
But life, in its ineffable grace and commitment to bring us into our full expression of our true self found a way to make me hear.
Turns out pain is a great way of wearing you down until you are so tired all you can do is surrender and listen. I say that with humor, but the other aspect of this is a sincere and genuine deepening of compassion.
For anyone who is dealing with physical pain, I have immense compassion & I’m sending it to you now. Whereas a few years ago…. Mmmm, not so much.
This process has called me deeply into compassion, surrender, patience & now dedication.
Compassion for my body that in its form of density, takes things at a slower pace than my consciousness that likes to move at super accelerated paces.
Surrender into the wisdom that the body holds for how to be here in form on earth.
Patience as I allow my body and consciousness to join each other on the same page.
And dedication to do what IT asks of me so that we can join together in the communion & community of the integrated body of consciousness of ME, here in form.
Some call it embodied mastery. I like that. And tend to agree.
And contrary to what we might imagine, it often looks completely different to what we think it will look like.
Like sometimes, when you want to dance, but instead you cry and it just happens to be the most wild & free expression of your soul dancing with life in all its multi-faceted glory.
With you in compassion, all my love